Well it’s Been a Long Day

I am going to be glad for the end of next week – the end of summer camp. And while that does mean I’ll be unemployed (and I’m significantly poorer than I’d have hoped for, given my illness, camps being canceled and unexpected large purchases), I am looking EXTREMELY forward to the rest.

I’ll probably be more unemployed than I anticipated. They’ve hired a new preschool teacher, so whether I’ll be working as the assistant is totally up in the air, and I’m leaning on the side of “unlikely.” So my only recourse would be working in the Teen Program, which I would not like to do MAINLY because of problems with X. Nothing recent, but it’s not fun for me. And, you know. I don’t even like teenagers.

To Hanna: If bastard X takes away the spotlight of Mr. X, I officially will never forgive him.

Shockingly, I’m not really worrying about my soon-to-be poverty. I have no reason for a quick financial meltdown. I may not move out as soon as I’d like, but then again, who knows, perhaps I will. I may get a job I don’t even know exists yet. I’m also very looking forward to my parents going on vacation – because I get a vacation all my own then. The house to myself. And who knows what wonders THAT may bring about? (Rockin’ parties, here we come….).

Things that I’m most unhappy about, though:

1. Yeah, still Cassie. Usually I’m fine, but it’s really hard to imagine my big girl isn’t coming back. No more pictures or poignant stories or just moments together. It….hurts. A lot. I miss my muffin headed girl, my noodle. But I suppose each day gets a little better, and Cleo is a truly wonderful dog.

2. I haven’t been as well rested as I should be, so I know I’ve been more irritable lately. I guess MAAAAAYBE some of that is from Cassie? The rest, though, is from not getting my iron supplements for about a month, so I’m exhausted, so I’ve slowly noticed myself being more cranky. Which I guess I wouldn’t make a huge fuss over, but I worry it may be taken out on the kids, and that’s the last thing I want to become. I know Chris has noticed it. Perhaps there’s some hormones mixed in. However, noticing it I think always helps, so I’m not going to worry about it so much.

3. Just sort of general STUFF. Having to hang around X, and noticing that society’s sexualization of women effects me even around that jerk-wad, which is REALLY annoying. Because I don’t like him, so God knows I don’t want to be perceived that way. Or with anyone I don’t like, but I think a lot of girls have problems with that. And then desperately wanting to be liked by Guy I Should Be Over, How the Hell Did I Find You After Eight Months – but not being liked. Which I’m sort of mostly over. At least today. I got real pine-y yesterday, but it comes and goes. And I suspect eventually it will mostly go.

Of course there’s other little things that I won’t get into here because they can be petty or taken wrong. And don’t misunderstand, I am much more happy than unhappy. Craft class is over, camp will be, I’m going to the beach tomorrow. It’s not all bad. It’s not all good (especially for poor Chris), but it’s not all bad.

And as stated, there are things I’m looking forward to. There’s a lot I haven’t even listed. I think I may look forward most to the things that CAN’T be listed – that unknown moment of “when will I find the person I’m waiting for” or “where will I end up” or “when do I start out on my own feet.”

And while none of those are answerable, I can only take a deep breath and trust that they will be answered soon. And if not soon – hopefully eventually.

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About emilydnelson

A recent graduate of Hofstra University with a B.A. in anthropology, Emily is like every other twenty-two year old on the planet - trying to figure out what the hell to do now. Follow as she struggles with writing, her social work job, and bopping from coast to coast.
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