Well Doesn’t that Just Break Your Heart

Guy Robs Bank for Shelter in Jail

For several decades, the Oregonian has been the primary newspaper of Portland. And in case you’re not unlucky enough to live there, here’s what you need to know: it’s more liberal your parents in the 60s; it HATES the police, so no matter what they do, they’re effed; and it is the most biased, bleeding heart pile of bullshit I have to read every morning for lack of a better alternative to local news.

So I was willing to go along with this morning’s story of a down-and-out man who, as a last desperate measure, robbed a bank in order to be arrested and finally have shelter in jail. I went along with it – until this mass of stupidity:

“Other than a conviction for second degree assault, none of his crimes–drug possession, car theft, failing to appear in court–were violent.”

….uh, what? Okay, for starters, let’s go over that assault you so happily passed over. It’s ASSAULT. I’m sure whoever he assaulted was not so slap-happy as you were about it. And even if – even if – for some reason we were able to say mistakes happen (for f–king assault? Are you shitting me?) – the rest of his crimes are horrible, horrible things! Drug possession is against the law. I have NO sympathy (see The Argument Every Person Who Isn’t Stoned is Tired Of”), and moreover, he stole a car! How is that to benefit himself? Have you ever had your car stolen? Or ANYTHING stolen?! It’s a horrible, horrible thing! People feel violated! I know I’d feel pretty damn lost and angry without my car!

And this ISN’T like the poor guy who robbed a bank for a dollar in order to be arrested – he actually walked out with over five hundred bucks. The article doesn’t say what he did with that money. Naturally. And in case you want to know, yes, he’s a boozer. He also needs medication for his mental health, that is the only part of this I find truly pitiable. Partly because those are horrible diseases, and partly because I have very sweet, non-violent friends who DON’T rob banks and need medication for a variety of illnesses, most noticeably schizophrenia. And they get to deal with the bullshit whenever someone who IS schizophrenic ruins everything for the vast majority who aren’t that bad.

And the vast majority of comments on the Oregonian website is talking about how horrible it is that we just cycle people through the criminal justice system and whatever. Of course it is. Because I live in Portland.

Dear sweet God, I live in Portland.

Why did I ever leave New York.

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About emilydnelson

A recent graduate of Hofstra University with a B.A. in anthropology, Emily is like every other twenty-two year old on the planet - trying to figure out what the hell to do now. Follow as she struggles with writing, her social work job, and bopping from coast to coast.
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