It was going to be nearly a perfect evening – my decaf cappuccino, getting on my computer to play Dragon Age…bliss.

For whatever reason, though, my eye was drawn to the folders on my desktop full of pictures of Cassie; first all the ones I could assemble, and then the folder of the many bad pictures I snapped on her last day. I’ve grown so accustomed to these folders being here after a year and a half, I very rarely even notice them. Usually it’s enough to acknowledge and move on to whatever I’d planned on doing.

But tonight, who knows why, I had to look through them. I didn’t really cry – except for the end, when my eyes began to water. But the reason was that in her very last pictures…

She was smiling. She knew to smile when I couldn’t.

So here’s a dreadful picture of me (as well it might be, after a near-totally sleepless night full of tears)…and a beautiful picture of my beautiful girl.

Does it hurt less than it did? Yeah, kinda, I guess. Looking back on her photos, it was like nine years of living in a dream. Like she was never really there. I could not imagine life without her, though now I have become so used to it, it is sometimes hard to remember life with her.

I do not think I will ever forget my girl. I hope never to. But if it hurts less….perhaps that is alright, too.

With a smile like this, you know she wouldn’t want me crying after all this time.

Cassie's very last picture, the two of us together.

Cassie’s very last picture, the two of us together.


About emilydnelson

A recent graduate of Hofstra University with a B.A. in anthropology, Emily is like every other twenty-two year old on the planet - trying to figure out what the hell to do now. Follow as she struggles with writing, her social work job, and bopping from coast to coast.
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One Response to Reminisce

  1. Anonymous says:

    I miss her, too, em. papa

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