It was going to be nearly a perfect evening – my decaf cappuccino, getting on my computer to play Dragon Age…bliss.
For whatever reason, though, my eye was drawn to the folders on my desktop full of pictures of Cassie; first all the ones I could assemble, and then the folder of the many bad pictures I snapped on her last day. I’ve grown so accustomed to these folders being here after a year and a half, I very rarely even notice them. Usually it’s enough to acknowledge and move on to whatever I’d planned on doing.
But tonight, who knows why, I had to look through them. I didn’t really cry – except for the end, when my eyes began to water. But the reason was that in her very last pictures…
She was smiling. She knew to smile when I couldn’t.
So here’s a dreadful picture of me (as well it might be, after a near-totally sleepless night full of tears)…and a beautiful picture of my beautiful girl.
Does it hurt less than it did? Yeah, kinda, I guess. Looking back on her photos, it was like nine years of living in a dream. Like she was never really there. I could not imagine life without her, though now I have become so used to it, it is sometimes hard to remember life with her.
I do not think I will ever forget my girl. I hope never to. But if it hurts less….perhaps that is alright, too.
With a smile like this, you know she wouldn’t want me crying after all this time.